He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
