My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
