Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
