Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
