it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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