I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
