I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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