dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
