Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
