some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
