Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
