I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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