Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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