I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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