I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
