Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Pants are for mortals
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
