I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
