it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
