Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
