I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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