I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
