I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
