Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
my sisters under your porch take her home
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
