i think my tv is drunk
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
