so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
