Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
