omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
