i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
