Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
