why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
