Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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