I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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