the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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