I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
