Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
