I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We left the knife in your bed.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
