i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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