Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
pray to the hookup gods
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
