how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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