After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
