I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
