I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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