did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Swine flu. Run for my life!
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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