Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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