We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
