Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
