Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
