im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
