Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
