She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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