I feel like abortions should bother me more
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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