my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
